Post by wheelspinner on Apr 2, 2009 1:55:22 GMT -5
November, 2001
At the end of my last missive, I reported that I was in a game of chicken with my employer to see who could hold out longer - me tendering my resignation, or them giving me my bonus.
They blinked.
Letters providing details of the increased pittances for the new year were late in being circulated due to certain equestrian distractions. (Author's Note: The Melbourne Cup is run in early November). This was clearly an attempt to unnerve me, but I stuck to my guns. As a delaying tactic, I booked some leave using the very plausible story that I would go stark staring mad if I didn't get a break. (Those of you who have met me recently can attest to the truth of this).
With the leave in place I then sneakily prepared a resignation form so that the notice period coincided with my annual leave. This was a master stroke designed to allow me to flee the country earlier, which recent democratic incidents have made more desirable. All was now ready for the meeting with the employer.
At the meeting, my superior handed me my letter. It included the standard increment to my pittance, plus a whopping bonus. (I am not eligible for bonuses, so this was an unlooked-for benison). I thanked him heartily and then gave him my envelope.
He expressed great delight and was most enthusiastic about my leaving the country. He approved whole-heartedly of my choice of California for a new abode and was fulsome in his praise of Walnut Creek, which he has apparently driven through on the way to somewhere interesting. I began to suspect his sincerity.
I made the announcement to my employees whilst bribing them with a flourless orange and almond chocolate cake, with orange chocolate curls on top. As a manager, I am a strict disciplinarian about certain things, and the rules regarding cakes for birthdays, joining the team and leaving the team are there to be observed. I knew that our Cake Nazi Officer would be quick to upbraid me for any breach, so I ensured that I complied.
My colleagues were also very fulsome in their praise of my decision to leave the country and solicitously inquired as to whether I had Got A Retrenchment Package. When I answered in the negative, it was clear that I had failed some kind of virility test in not extracting the maximum pain from the company on the occasion of my leaving. Most of my team have only two ambitions: to eat cake, and to Get A Package.
I then commenced a round of meaningless meetings where we discussed progress on existing projects ("Actually, none!") and attempted to set up new projects ("Oh, have I told you that I'm leaving next week? This is Peter, my replacement."). I conducted a promotion interview for one of my staff ("Well of course Dennis should be promoted; sign here") and reviewed applications for a new employee in the group ("Why can no-one spell Middleware"?).
These important activities, combined with surfing the web, have made it very difficult to conduct a proper handover to my successor. This is as it should be, as it will leave him space to be creative, and also have lots of things to blame on me. ("OK, Peter you can open the first envelope now").
In the same time frame, the visa papers finally arrived from the Land Of The Free. I had then to take them into the Post Office, and then send them to the Embassy. I am still waiting for my elephant stamp to come back.
The lady in the Visa section was very nice and told me to send the documents, including all of our passports, to "Janelle". I asked for her surname, and she told me "I can't tell you that". So either security is very tight at the US Consulate, or a harlot named Janelle in St Kilda is doing a great side-trade in stolen passports and US visas. I should know by the middle of next week which it is.
We have been further investigating the US Car Market, focusing on our target segment - Cars I Have Never Heard Of. My agent tells me that I can get a great deal on a Car That I Never Heard Of, provided I sign a four-year lease before leaving the country, or even doing a test drive. I have only just now recovered from the hernia damage I sustained laughing at that proposal.
I have begun a major research project studying Sloth, now that I have someone whose job it is to do as much of my work as possible. After meeting with experts, and collating anecdotal evidence from my own experience, I hope to publish a learned and authoritative paper on Sloth, perhaps in the IBM Systems Journal..
Packing is now under way. I have discovered that I can almost fit all of my clothes into the two suitcase limit, provided I leave behind everything I might feasibly want to wear after week one in the USA. This should not be a problem, as I am told that clothes are ridiculously priced in the Land Of The Free.
I have savagely pruned my books down to the last 30kgs or so, and should be able to get away with less than $US2000 in freight charges to take them with me. My wife is keen to discuss the matter of books with me. This is an improvement, as her literary interests have been somewhat cursory previously. I have also triaged my CDs into: CDs I Am Taking, CDs I Cannot Possibly Leave Behind and CDs That I Cannot Believe That I Ever Bought, But Will Clearly Be Of Interest To Our New American Friends. This has cut the number of CDs we are taking down to about 300 or so. My wife is suddenly expressing a new-found interest in music also.
My children are now excited enough to use grammatically correct sentences instead of grunts concerning this Moving To The USA Caper. ("Should we go to Yosemite?" "What's That?"). The level of teenage excitement is palpable, particular as the Driving Age issue begins to dawn on my 16 year old.
In the midst of all this mayhem, I received a call from the USA to say that the project I was working on was deferred. After picking myself up from the floor, I heard them say, "Can you come a couple of weeks later?". Surveying the wasteland that is my office, and mindful of my wife's Checklist Of Things To Do, with about 2 items checked, I mustered a disappointed-sounding "I suppose so".
We will now be flying out on Boxing Day, which gives me my 20th Anniversary with my wife, the chance to attend my sister's 50th birthday party and Christmas with my family, so I have already got my Christmas present. It will have to do for the kids too, as I've packed my wallet somewhere, and I can't find it.
